OSCAR PICKS / BOOK YOUR BETS Is it Oscar time already?! Damn but time sure flies these days. It's like there's a rip in the spacetime continuum or something. It seems like only yesterday that ol' what's-his-name was giving his deeply moving acceptance speech about something or other, after scoring a statuette for his role in whatever movie it was that he starred in during the previous year. Ah… good times! Yer old pal Jerky doesn't mind admitting he's a little nervous about tonight. I've been doing these Oscar Pick editions of the Dirt since 1999, and my prognostication record has only gotten worse over time. Used to be I could pick the winners with my eyes gouged out and both arms stuffed elbow-deep up my asshole. These days, I consider myself lucky if I get one out of the Big Four correct. As a result, the once legendary post-Awards "champagne soirées" held at Chateau LeBoeuf have been getting progressively less swanky with each passing year. For instance, in 2001, John Cusack and Sean Penn were there, and partied all night long. Last year, we couldn't even get Joan Cusack and Chris Penn to show up. Needless to say, I was devastated. But this year, yer old pal Jerky's got a feeling that his luck is about to change. It's just a feeling -- not much more than a hunch, but somewhat more substantial than an inkling -- that when you check in for tomorrow's Dirt, we'll all be basking in the glorious afterglow of my 100% totally accurate Oscar prophecies, figuring out cool new ways to waste the winnings from our ample wagers! But for now, we must move on to the picks… *** **** *** BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE David Strathairn for Good Night, and Good Luck - Strathairn is, hands down, the finest actor out of this year's bunch. His portrayal of legendary journalist Edward R. Murrow was the most convincing chameleon act of the year, beating out P.S. Hoffman's one-note turn as Truman Capote and Joaquin Phoenix's trace-paper version of Johnny Cash by a fairly wide margin. His was the best performance out of the five nominees. Unfortunately, Oscar has been politically gun-shy lately, and GN&GL blatantly pushes a lot of red hot buttons, so the buzz on Strathairn has been next to nil. If he ever plays a retarded paraplegic gay man, however, he'll be in like Flynn. Terrence Howard for Hustle and Flow - A black guy with two white boy names playing a pimp who wants to be a rapper? Hello, snowball... welcome to hell! Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain - Okay, so if Ledger's mumble-mouthed cowboy character didn't know he was gay, how did he know to fuck another man in the ass? He sure is a pretty man, though; you gotta give him that much. Joaquin Phoenix for Walk the Line - As previously stated, his portrayal of Johnny Cash wasn't even the best celebrity impersonation of the year, much less the best performance. And the Oscar goes to… Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote! There's a rumor going around that Hoffman prepared for the role of the lisping, mincing, prancing 70's talk show perennial by paying a number of conjugal visits to a notorious Los Angeles area mass murderer who shall remain nameless. Of course, he never broke character during these encounters, so it's not like he's gay or anything. It just means he's incredibly devoted to his craft. And that's why he deserves the Oscar. Because he was willing to suck a murderer's cock to get it. *** **** *** BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE Dame Judi Dench for Mrs. Henderson Presents - Why Oscar decided to nominate a purple-haired Australian transvestite in a category that yer old pal Jerky assumes was meant for gynecologically-correct females is anybody's guess. His TV specials are kind of funny, though. You have to love those saucy double entendres! Felicity Huffman for Transamerica - No wonder people are calling this year's Academy Awards "the Gay Oscars". In this movie, Felicity is a woman who plays the role of a man who wants to be a woman, even though he's blessed with a cock that could stretch out a rugby sock. It's all so confusing! In any case, she can't win, because having a Huffman win for Best Actress after a Hoffman wins for Best Actor would be... I dunno... weird or something. Keira Knightley for Pride and Prejudice - Cute as a button despite being flat as a board, this sexy tomboy beanpole is caught in a paradoxical bind. She's too young to win by normal standards, yet she's too old to win via ingenue upset. With a couple more years under her belt, and maybe a couple more cup sizes on her chest, she might score a statuette one day. But not today. Charlize Theron for North Country - Charlize was way too fuckable in this movie. She only ever wins when she gains thirty pounds and uglies herself up. Besides, more people have interviewed Osama bin Laden than have seen this movie. It's about unions in Minnesota, for Christ's sake! And the Oscar goes to… Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line! Don't ask me to explain this one. I was going purely by process of elimination, and this is what I ended up with. Go figure! *** **** *** BEST DIRECTOR Bennett Miller for Capote - First time directors never win Oscars, unless they're also famous actors, which Miller isn't. Paul Haggis for Crash - Seeing as all his previous directing gigs were for television, and seeing as directing for television doesn't count, he's also a de facto first timer. Plus, he's named after oats boiled in a goat's stomach, which you have to figure is a big psychological disadvantage. Steven Spielberg for Munich - Yer old pal Jerky can understand why Oscar would throw Spielberg a pitty bone because his movie didn't make any money, but did they have to make it so obvious? George Clooney for Good Night, and Good Luck - He made a better film than Robert Redford's Ordinary People, Mel Gibson's Braveheart and Kevin Costner's Dances With Wolves, but George Clooney isn't going to win. You wanna know why? It's because Preznit Dubya has classified him as an enemy combatant, and what with box-office dropping like Jamie Lee Curtis' bustline, Oscar doesn't need that kind of headache. And the Oscar goes to… Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain! Once again, the process of elimination seems to have failed me. What the fuck does a Chinese immigrant know about gay cowboys on the prairie?! On the other hand, Hollywood's gay mafia might just be strong enough to pull this consolation prize out of their collective, prolapsed bunghole, because there's no way Brokeback is winning in our next category... *** **** *** BEST PICTURE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - No way. Capote is splitting the homo vote, and Brokeback has already won so many other awards that Academy voters won't feel guilty avoiding it like a condom-wrapped syringe in an alley on Castro street. CAPOTE - Like I said, splitting the homo vote means this one-note solo show is a no go. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK - Pfft... get real. It's in black and white! And it's historically accurate! It's DOOMED! MUNICH - Never has the phrase "it's an honor just to be nominated" fit so perfectly. And the Oscar goes to… CRASH! Because its politically correct, afterschool-special-on-steroids "message" about racism is hammered into the viewer's skull with such grim relentlessness, the fact that black artists are otherwise going to be shut out this year means it HAS to win. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 2 On this day in 1807, Congress passes an act to "prohibit the importation of slaves into any port or place within the jurisdiction of the United States... from any foreign kingdom, place, or country." But not to worry; with a self-sustaining population of over four million African slaves already held as chattel in the South, they didn't need no new blood, no-how! On this day in 1877, a partisan Republican panel declares Rutherford B. Hayes to be the winner of the previous year's election. This, despite his having lost both the popular and, most likely, the electoral college vote, to opponent Samuel J. Tilden, Democrat. After his inauguration as the 19th U.S. president, Hayes was coerced into undoing the work begun by Abraham Lincoln. He caved in to Southern conservative demands that the military withdraw from the region, effectively bringing Reconstruction to an end. One by one, all the former Confederate (traitor) states began stripping blacks of the right to vote, among other things. It would take nearly a century for the Civil Rights movement to gain the strength required to force the feds to once again address this chronic deficiency of the Southern character. On this day in 1993, Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh promises to give himself up and allow authorities to enter his compound if the media agrees to broadcast a one-hour audiotape of religious teachings he recorded earlier that same morning. At 1:30 in the afternoon, at the behest of FBI negotiators, the Christian Broadcasting Network plays the tape in its entirety. At 5:58 PM, Koresh informs negotiators that God has ordered him to wait a little while longer before coming out. On this day in 1904, Theodor Geisel is born. Who the fuck is Theodor Geisel, you ask? You folks probably remember him as the immortal Dr Seuss, author of such kiddy classics as Green Eggs and Ham and The Cat in the Hat. But yer old pal Jerky will always remember Geisel as the anonymous author of the illustrated adult-oriented classics Horton Hits a Whore, If I Ran the Sex Zoo, and I am Curious, Oobleck.

THEY SAID IT! "The United States is looking forward to eating Indian mangos." - Nice work on the trade, there, Dubya! They get our jobs and nuke tech, and we get their MANGOS!!! *** **** *** "I've seen a lot of murders in my time, but this is something especially cynical and a rare case of impertinence and daring." - I think the thing I most admire about the Russians is their penchant for understatement.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by McTubers! A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from skipping." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kerusty for sending in today's second joke. A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My! God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Bill White... Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He was born 24 years ago now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, so sad dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me..." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she whispers. "Yes" says, the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THINKIN' ON SOME PHARMACEUTICAL PAYBACK care of: ACD I've been scratching my head trying to come up with a prescription drug that a liberal pharmacist could refuse to dispense to a crazy Dominionist under the proposed new "Pharmacist Conscience" legislation. Frankly, I believe one shouldn't enter the medical field unless one is willing to provide medical care. A surgeon who's afraid of operating on gay men should resign. A druggist who can't bring himself to toss a few Plan Bs in a bottle should resign. But since the Left is kinder and gentler than the Right, at least in this country (Pol Pot and Joe Stalin knew how to kick conservative ass, I tell you what!), liberal doctors and druggists will continue to treat all patients who need treatment. Nevertheless, it's intriguing to speculate on any potential petards on which the intolerant righties might hang themselves. What if liberal surgeons refused to treat hunters with gunshot wounds? Or GSWs to any child who's dumbassed parents left the family armory wide open. What if a liberal PETA type refused to treat heart attacks among meat-eaters? Or falls from horses. Or anyone arriving in the ER with a leather jacket? What if a socialist doctor refused to treat anyone who arrived in a Mercedes, well-dressed. What if Muslim doctor refused to treat anyone wearing a crucifix? Or a jewish doctor refused to treat anyone in a turban? In each of these instances, the patient is violating a cherished belief of the provider. It is really no different from a woman requiring birth control. But I'm not quite able to think of any pharmaceuticals that are peculiar to fat midwesterners, crazy Christians, or robber barons. The reluctant pharmacists (all three of them, for whom multiple legislative sessions and C-Span posturing are a national priority) are not even performing any procedure. So where I might grant some leeway to a devout Catholic ob-gyn who's uncomfortable with removing a second-term foetus themselves (and again, they picked a lousy specialty, given their fundamentalism) -- there is no such moral weight on a pharmacist's back. They fill oxycontin prescriptions that are more often abused than used correctly. They fill prescriptions for a host of behaviorally-based maladies, from obesity to alcoholism to smoking to anorexia. They fill antibiotic prescriptions to treat the wounds of failed suicides -- quite the Catholic no-no!!! They sell anal lubricants to homosexuals. They fill prescriptions for people with sexually transmitted diseases. I've little doubt that every Red State pharmacist generates a quarter of his margins off Cialis and Viagra. But nope, can't quite think of any pills that are Dominionist-specific -- I guess it's only women who'll be denied medical care by the Right. Oh well. - ACD [I thought you came up with some pretty valid corollaries, actually. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Greetings Jerky, Just for "BP" who has never heard of 28 gauge shotguns ~ the 28 gauge has been in production since about 1903 and is produced by Browning, Ruger, Weatherby, Daly and Remington amongst others. A standard load with #9 shot gives you about 375 pellets depending on the maker of the cartridge. I would still prefer to use a 12 bore for shooting politicians or their friends! Many regards and please change the Uglitron! Keith [Danke, Keef! And here's your update. - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciao Jerkster, I haven't seen, anywhere, any comment on the chickens coming home to roost. Having set up the Arabs and Bin Laden as the Great Satan, it must be extremely difficult for them to acknowledge that the UAE and their al Quaeda friends, not to mention their Bush friends, are the appropriate people to run Americas highly security sensitive Ports. Maybe you can find something. Etna Fred. [Why ME all the time?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky l rekon what you called worst joke of the day is the best joke youv'e printed l'd love to be smart enough with a computer to be able to forward that on to friends with out having to send the whole shebang Buck [Just cut and paste, man. Drag your cursor across the joke, so that the text you want to send is all "blacked out", then hit Control/C. Then open an e-mail and hit Control/V. It's called cut-and-paste. Learn it and love it! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I was listening to the radio yesterday on my way home and heard this story. Weird shit man. YOP, Bob [It makes perfect sense, actually. Sharks, like people, are stupid, and thus easily led. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Jason Leopold has learned that 250 emails from Dick Cheney's office relating to the outing of undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame-Wilson, which the White House claimed did not exist, in fact do. Those newly re-discovered emails have been turned over to Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. Does anybody really care anymore? David [As long as Fitzgerald does, that's all that matters at this point. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Go to this link to file a Freedom of information Request with the FBI. All you need to do is fill it out and mail it. This is sponsored by People for the American Way. Let's all give Bush a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and see what they have on us. Donate, too. It's only 5 bucks. C the D [Sheesh... where to start? JFK or UFOs? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerks, For an expatriate Cajun, you really have an unreal expectation of your surroundings. Did you think anyone would tell you about the slimy little port that lets anyone into the voting machines to do as they will? Maybe you could even do it with a TV remote. The only answer is to get your own hackers to change every machine to whichever you want to win. It then becomes a battle to get to be the last 'changer' before the results are announced. In other words this whole election will be a farce, and the fascists will win. Good luck, Etna Fred [Sink to their level? Maybe that's the only way. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com