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CLASSIC DIRT
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First reference to Y2K in the Daily Dirt!
Date: March 2, 1999
Two respected senior government officials have added more fuel to the already raging Y2K fire. On CBS' Face the Nation, Senators Chris Dodd (D-Conn) and Robert Bennet (R-Utah), ranking members of the Senate Special Committee on the Y2K Problem, freaked out the panel by calling the glitch "one of the most serious and potentially devastating events this nation has ever encountered."
The Senators went on to claim that the millennial chaos could include lives lost to malfunctioning medical equipment, erased banking records, massive blackouts and missiles from other countries automatically launching themselves (our missiles having already been Y2K-proofed). "Any responsible household would prepare and have on hand a two- or three-day supply," Dodd said.
Personally, I think this whole Y2K thing is a load of hogshit devised by Jesus-drunk authoritarians in government with the sole purpose of fucking up what would otherwise have been the ultimate New Year's Eve party. And, seeing as it looks like most people will be staying home on the night of Dec 31, shotguns at the ready to defend their 30-lb containers of Minute Rice and their bathtubs full of spring water, it seems as if the party-pooping finger-sniffers have succeeded.
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Saint Andy!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Wally for sending in today's second joke.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir Javaid Chaudhry...
P.................PLEASE
E.................ENTER
P.................PENIS
S.................SLOWLY
I.................INSIDE.........
THAT WAY ALL GIRLS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR PEPSI ALL THE TIME...
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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MOPJ, Over the years you have brought me information, humor, warnings. I've gotten angry because of underhanded dealings and just plain stupidity you've catalogued, and gotten involved because of info you've posted and editorials you've written. I laughed my socks off with your jokes and crazy lists. I cried with you when the towers fell. I raged with you when they pushed through the Patriot Act, when Halliburton jumped in to make some more money from death and destruction, when they succeeded in cutting the bottom out from under our electoral system in Florida and then again in Ohio. I have sent all my best hopes out to you, when it seemed you were losing hope and heart, battling against the spam filters, and the management, and the sheer weight of what is going so dreadfully wrong in this country and in the rest of the world. It broke my heart to read the post, The Long Slow Goodbye. I waited to see if there would be anymore posts. I guess not. I don't know if you will read this letter. I hope you will. I just wanted to let you know how much your work meant to me, and how much I will miss you. Hey if you're ever in Binghamton, NY, look us up. I'll buy you a beer, and roll you a joint. Thank you for everything. yop KH
[Excuse me, but I think I've got something in my eye... - Jerky]
*** **** ***
MOPJerky, Back in the day (2000) when I was pissed off at the establishment and and felt all alone, I decided to Google. My search query was simple. "daily dirt political". I wanted a daily published letter on the political dirt that covers the world. Little did I know that my floundering for some sensical meaning to the world chaos would lead me to The Dirt. And to you. Many a page of yours has been spent well, pondering and musing about how things were, are, and will be. Many a time have you demonstrated that money is the driving force behind, well, pretty much everything. Then came your rantings about how money is the great silencer. Usually, it was some exhuberent amount to silence rogue microbiologists and news reporters. And, much to my regret, money has begun the strangulation of one of the web's most eloquent postulators. This time, however, it was the lack of money that caused the demise of one of the most poignant email newsletters in existence. My wife was originally taken-aback by the blatantly abundant usage of porn material, but then, she, as most Playboy readers lie, read the articles. Many a nod of agreement and drop-jawed surprise at the unmitigated gall you presented of our world leaders. In short, MOP Jerky, we all love you and hope you utilize the great blogging technology that has rendered The Dirt lame, almost obselete. Please, o' great eulagist, post your new blogosite for those of us who admire you. Many blessings for this and future lives! YOPDave
[I will most definitely keep you posted, Dave. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky We freaking miss ya dude. It's your irreverent attitude that is missed most. Roegster
[I miss you guys, too, believe me. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky, So long mate, thanks for all the entertainment and enlightment you have brought over the past years. Sorry to see you go. The Dailydirt was... ah, fuck it! No need to get all gushy! I'll have a beer and cheeseburger in your honour! Cheers, Jim
[Thanks, mango. But please, occasionally check back on this space. Like once a month maybe, until it kicks back in. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
JL; For the eternal rest of the Uglitron how about putting a mirror for all your vain pals to lavish themselves? Just another twisted thought to match the knots in my plumbing. Take care old hoss - Russell Voice (officially decommissioning druid athiest)
[I like your idea, RV. Unfortunately, the technology doesn't currently exist to reproduce reflexion on a VDT. - Jerky]
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