SNOWFLAKE HOLOCAUST! That flushing sound you hear signals the impending doom of more than 400,000 frozen embryos currently stashed in American fertility clinic deep-freezers. It's all so perversely ironic. Preznit Dubya, by using his first ever veto to negate a bipartisan Congressional decision to fund stem-cell research -- and, by doing so, throwing a bone to his lunatic "base" -- has declared a death sentence on this valuable resource. It's a bad habit the Boy King just can't seem to break. Don't let Wednesday's ceremonial photo-op fool you. The Preznit's decision is no more "pro-life" than his foreign policy, or even his lethal injection fetish. Those dozen or so drooling SnowflakesTM he surrounded himself with as he proudly signed the document that will help make America even less competitive in one of this new century's most promising fields of scientific research are the exception, not the rule. Basically, couples seek out the assistance of fertility clinics not to adopt pre-existing embryos but to create entirely new ones, and that process involves taking everything they've got and throwing it against the wall, to see what reproduces. This often results in the creation of multiple embryos -- or CYA embryos -- the vast majority of which are superfluous… hence the conundrum. And so we see that preventing the productive use of these limbo-dwelling DNA blueprints does nothing to solve the very real problem of their existence. The way things currently stand, they're far more likely to get flushed than adopted. And that's where the Daily Dirt comes in. We've come up with a most excellent list of the... TOP 13 THINGS TO DO WITH THOSE 400,000 FROZEN EMBRYOS! 13. Sell them to the highest bidder. 12. Use them to cool down your beverage. 11. Ignore them. 10. Market and sell them as "pre-deceased" Sea Monkeys. 9. Re-organize every week, using different criteria every time -- by age, alphabetically by name, by race, by parental IQ, etc. 8. Sprinkle some on your shoulders and you have a dandruff alternative for incredibly rich people who are unable to produce dandruff of their own. 7. Breed your very own Freak Show by nuking a dozen or so embryos in a microwave, then using a turkey-baster to shoot them up your retarded half-sister's cervix. 6. Get Colonel Sanders to make it an even dozen herbs and spices. 5. Use them as snow in a series snowglobes featuring highly disturbing locales (Dachau, WTC ground zero, Kabul). 4. Three words: Frozen Embryo Porn! 3. Three more words: Long Pig Slurpee! 2. Put them in a rocket and blast them into outer space and hope a benevolent alien civilization thaws them out and hatches them. This may well be humanity's last, best hope for survival. 1. Just go ahead and flush them. We've got enough natural-born assholes as it is. *** **** *** ALTERNATIVELY... ...we could run them through Philadelphia inventor Brian Appel's ground-breaking thermal converter unit, and turn them into a viable replacement for our rapidly-dwindling fossil fuel reserves! *** **** *** Here's a little bonus, a Daily Dirt Top Ten blast from the friggin' past! TOP TEN WORST WAYS TO DIE! Our Top Ten lists go to eleven! 11. Anus-to-bald-spot chainsaw bisection. 10. Drinking a Drano Slurpee. 9. Listening to Starship's We Built This City amplified to such an incredibly high volume that you suffer total cellular breakdown and liquefaction. 8. Drowning in the septic tank at a summer camp for AIDS victims. 7. Suffering a massive, terror-induced heart attack in the middle of being eaten alive by a pack of ravenous hyenas. 6. Having the flesh slowly and expertly flayed off your bones by an Apache who uses nothing but a sharp stick and his nimble fingers. 5. Accidentally drinking a mug full of liquid nitrogen and freezing solid from the inside out. 4. Cancer. 3. Being slowly strangled with a greasy loop of your own intestine by a Japanese cartoon demon who is simultaneously raping you up the ass with a fish-hook-covered cock the size of a fire extinguisher. 2. Being shot down by a United States military jet ten minutes after you and your fellow passengers manage to wrest control of the hijacked airliner from the extremist Muslim terrorists who intended to crash it into the White House. 1. The Sandpaper Room. There are two rollers hidden behind the walls on either side of the Sandpaper Room that keep the abrasive floor in motion at all times. Not too fast, maybe two or three miles per hour, which is easy enough to keep pace with… at first. Eventually though, you get tired and stop. But the moving floor pulls you up against the wall, where you realize that the soles of your shoes are slowly being sanded away. So you start walking again, but it dawns on you that you're only delaying the inevitable… that your time is limited to how long you can stay awake and moving, while your captors have all the time in the world. How long will it take for you to die? How many times will you drop unconscious from exhaustion, only to be ripped awake by the pain of your skin being sanded away? How many times will you be able to force yourself to get up and walk before your body simply isn't able to obey your mental commands anymore? Hours? Days? A week? Once you make the final drop, how long before the sandpaper grinds your flesh to the bone? How many days before you bleed to death? How long before there's nothing left but a red wet stripe on the floor… of the Sandpaper Room? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 24 On this day in 1847, after 17 months tramping through the American wilderness, Brigham Young and his merry band of Mormon pioneers finally settle down in the Salt Lake Valley region of what would one day become the state of Utah. Door-to-door annoyance and Orrin Hatch ensue. On this day in 1911, explorer Hiram Bingham III finds Machu Picchu, the legendary Lost City of the Incas. Bingham was the well-to-do son of a Protestant Hawaiian missionary who became a gentleman scholar, a prolific author, a profoundly vile racist, a governor of Connecticut, a Senator at the federal level, and, finally, the real-life inspiration for the character of Indiana Jones. They don't make 'em like Bingham anymore, thank fuck. On this day in 2001, real estate mogul Larry Silverstein signs a $3.2 billion, 99 year lease on the World Trade Center. It includes an insurance policy which specifically covers acts of terrorism, which was extremely fortuitous, because in 7 weeks the terrorist attacks of 9/11 would take place.

THEY SAID IT! "If it looks like social engineering, maybe it is." - Suicides, blackouts and war... Oh my! Our old pal Jeff Wells has penned another must-read editorial over at his Rigorous Intuition blog. *** **** *** "It looked weird and felt wrong." - Our old pal Andy S. describes this story about the feral state of the Army's 4th Infantry Division in Iraq as "the toughest read I've had all week." I wouldn't go that far -- I've been reading some crazy fucking shit this week -- but it's pretty bad.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Gerald! It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck!" The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that? Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke. A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Brummbaer... A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: RECYCLING NICOTINE PATCHES AND OTHER ADVICE care of: YOPF Hello MOPJ, My name is Frank Sheffield. I am the president of the Natural Fitness Trainers Association. I am writing because I have lost count of how many times you have quit smoking. If I recall correctly, you quit in 2001, again in 2005, and perhaps again after that (?). But before I go on, I should mention that I haven't had much shut-eye in the last few days, its 5 AM, and I’m nodding off at the keyboard. I’m not shitting you; I’m practically drooling here. Anyhoo, I’m busting my ass to get a project finished and I’ll take the chance that (should you print this email) you and your kind readers will cut me some slack. I just finished uploading an article on how to reuse and reapply the nicotine patch. I devised this plan for a relative; however, you were the inspiration for my putting it in writing. And I don’t know if you will find it worth reprinting (in the dirt), but you have my permission to reprint it in whole or in part(s), or just a brief mention and a link – whatever you want. However, if you do reprint part(s) of it, you have to let your readers know where to find the complete article and its important warnings & disclaimers, etc. (For safety’s sake you f*ck. And so we don’t get sued.) BTW, I have some other online articles that are probably only of interest to personal trainers - but please take a quick look at them. {Keep in mind that I have to keep my site G-Rated, which limits what and how I can say things. And heck, I realize that I don’t have your writing talent. But who the hell else does?) Anyway, their links follow and you are welcome to use them, as well, (if desired) under the same previously stated conditions. How to Re-Use/Re-Apply The Nicotine Patch. Working With Difficult Clients. A Note on the Steroid Freaks. How to Choose A Personal Trainer. Thanks and keep fighting the PTB, YOPF One more thing, All Hail the King of Thailand! [Thanks, F! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MR. LEBOEUF As i sit here thinking about what i want to say to you. What comes to mind is how the hell did we ever get this far! Then I started thinking about GOD. And i though and though and came to the conclusion after tecates and teqillas that it doesnt exist the bible yes the koran bullshit the human race have been fooled bye TPTB for thousands of years!! the bible thumpers beleive in the golden rule! He who has gold rules!! Its been that way for thousands of years!! The rich rule and the rest work.Its alway been that way. Americans took crap for 125 years till a group of workers woke up and though that if they organized theyed have a bigger voice this is history (TPTB have allready outlawed history in some public schools) so they forced the TPTB to pay a decent wage!!! And thats where we are today. This social war has been going on for 90 years. They want to enslave us give us just enough money to survive!! god forbid you make enough money to move in their neiborhood!!! YOPTEXAS JACK [I agree completely... I think. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerkster, I hate to be picky, but you said Generals MacArthur and Patton with Eisenhower tagging along were sent to quash to veterans riot. Fact is, MacArthur was the only one of the three that was a general in 1932. The other two were still majors. They had to wait until WW2 to see stars! The Old Fart [Be honest now... do you really hate to be picky? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, let's see if Dick can survive for 4 plus years without someone entering his rear hatch. Let the games begin! YOPGessier [I don't understand... didn't that asshole fall off the edge of the world like five years ago? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Ain't this slick! Dave aka Brummbaer [It looks nice, but I don't fit in it, so it sucks. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo! Jerky! You still think Dubya threw in with Blair? E. Valdes [Not sure what you mean, exactly. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky! You Rule! You Fat Bastard! RocketJ [Cheers! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey - You've probably already seen this, but just in case... Jack [I love how Frank shuts that asshole down right from the get-go. "Amazing!" - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com